hmmm...

SO I guess i must have a lot on my mind or im really, really bored because i seem to be blogging three times in one day. i guess i just need to process everything right now. It's getting to that time where i need to reflect on the year and everything thats happened and start about thinking about life this summer and next fall. Actually this is probably my least favorite time of the year because it means everything that i finally adjusted to is now going to change again and this year not even the next six months are certain. I'm so worn right now with life in general that i don't actually have too many feelings about everything. I just know that i can't wait for camp when i can for at least 7 weeks put everything here behind me and focus on other people. If my days are full enough then i don't really have to think about next year at all, which isn't exactly healthy, but then again neither is thinking about it all the time...So while I was writing this my pa came into the room and gave me a letter that I wrote to myself at the beginning of the year. I had forgotten all about it, but now that i read it its strangely true of my year. Here it is:

Dear Leah,
This year seems to be a mix of seeing God work in wonderful ways and then shaking the foundations of my hopes and dreams. Everywhere I turn I'm being reminded to place my hope and confidence in God, not in my dreams, to make your plans for me my own. I don't know what this year holds for me, whether its my last at SPU, whether I make it inot nursing or get pa or whether I take a year off or am at UWT or PLU, or whether my friendships hold or I rely on you. I do know that this is a pivotal year for me. I can see that in the few weeks I've been here so far. Whatever has happened do not fear, do not give into FEAR, for God knows all. He gives what is good and will lead me beside still waters. Trust him now with this year and the decisions. He has a better plan for you than you do for yourself. I know there are tears and pain and anguish in store, but also joy and peace and contentment. Remember to never loose that deep joy, though the road gets very narrow. There will always be JOY. Own this year and bear your cross with the joy set before you. Keep persevering on!

I have no idea what to do with this right now. I wrote this in October and just about every emotion in here I've felt. This really, really sucks. and has been incredible...

The drop of a pin

The soul is a terror
and pretending we understand
its vastness, its depth, its impenetrable darkness or light-
we laugh at we know not what.
We laugh at what we cower before,
And cower before the drop of a pin.
We pass like a vapor in the wind,
but the soul carries on
bearing the weight of our iniquity,
or our joy.

KOG

This is the kingdom of God in all its current brokenness and future redemption.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"

un-finality

Life is rich both in sorrow and joy, At one moment it rips the heart in two And jerks tear after tear dowm the cheekbone; At the next it fills the heart with pulsing beats And makes the blood course lustily in the veins. Is one better than the other in this place where to suffer Is counted blessed and yet to rejoice is the goal of all? Is it wiser to seek joy and not sorrow, for in sorrow All the awful reality of the world is caought? Or is it more... Is the truth that to suffer is joy, to suffer is beauty, That to conquer this world one must suffer and die? How can it be that achingly beautiful is the one with Tears pouring down and the sob wracking her shoulders? Or is there wrong... Wrong in seeing beauty in that. Wrong in blessing the mourner. What induced the world to reproduce such pain and glorify in the Mysterious un-finality of it all?

Content

You handed me a gift
bedecked with scarlet bands
and promised me that love itself
lay packaged up inside,
but when I peeked inside
only Sorrow's trace was there to find.

realization

sometimes I'm an idiot and very, very blind.

Compassion

So I have just been challenged and comforted on so many levels by "compassion" by henry nouwen. I don't really know where to start, but i had to write about it. This has been the perfect book to read this week with group and nursing. So many thins not going my way and feeling so separated. I've been reminded that God's grace is enough and that the beauty is that there is no fear for where I am going, that my future and the things that have happened this year are just part of the unique journey before, that community, love and trust will come from them. I have been so changed this year. I have gone from some of the deepest pain I have ever been in to total apathy and depression to anger ato resignation to bitterness to peace ( ridiculous peace) to hope and to joy in this craziness. I don't understand and I only hope that some day this will all make sense because as much as this year has sucked it has been really cool to see so many things change even though nothing new has come to replace them yet. I am fully relying on the goodness of God and finally learning to live in the present- not regretful that the past is finished and not scared that the future is uncertain. Sometimes a light does surprise the christian iin the deepest ways. I keep coming back to this hymn because it continues to remain true in my life. The craziest, hardest times are the ones that show God's grace more strongly than any other. It is in darkness that we begin to see the light. ( i know that sounds incredibly cheesy, buts it true). I thought it couldn't get worse with my faith, but God has shown that "he who feeds the ravens will give his children bread." he will allow us to rejoice with all we have. It still sucks and I really do not like any part of it, but God is wholly good and will be my all in all. He's given me the grace to obey and to give it up to him. There is so much joy in obedience and trust because there is no more fear and there is no more doubt. Christ leads to joy even if it means the cross, even if it means death to all that I want. He will see my dross burned and my gold refined. Thankyou for this year, this terrible, beautiful, scary, horrible, wonderful year that has shown our faithfulness in ways I never thought possible. Thankyou for my rejection to nursing- i hate having to say this. Thank you fror my being on group. I have no idea how it fits into your plan., but I realize now that I love the people and have been given an incredible chance to srve and have seen how community and christian living is astruggle and a priviledge. Now I ask for the grace to continue next year with hardship and the gift of being here one more quarter. When I found out I was so happy. I didn't realize how much I was keeping myself from hopin, but now that scares me a little. Oh well, one step at a time. Give me grace.