oh, attitudes

Wow, i haven't read this blog in months and it feels really wierd looking back at some of my posts. If I knew in october how hard this year was going to be I don't think I would have been nearly as excited about the year as I wrote. I just don't know how to handle things right now. I feel like I've been waiting all year and nothing good has come out of it. I'm really tired of working so hard and feeling like nothing is coming of it and im tired of being here and im tired of hoping and of hurting and of having to explain when i have no idea what is going on in my mind. I just want it all to stop and have to some time alone to just enjoy life. i hate that I'm so hurt and angry and jealous and bitter and that I don't feel free and comfortable with people like i did before. I hate that I have something to be jealous about, that the thing I wanted most I didn't get and can't have and that some of my closest friends did. I'm tired of having to find ways to be gracious and happy for them and to take their sympathy when i really want to tell them that they have no *****'in idea how it actually feels because they got what they wanted. I hate the state of my heart and i don't want to change it and i hate that I don't. i don't even really know why I'm sharing this with a computer and not a friend except that im sick of crying and sick of people telling me with shocked expressions that of all people I am perfect for this. Don't you think i know that I would be good at this? I know they're trying to be encouraging and comforting but i just wish there was some other way to do it. I just wish they would hold me or let me sit with them and not ask me how im feeling, when i hear back from plu, and what i plan on doing. I just want them to know and love me for where I am at now, not for where I'll be, not for what I would have been perfect for. I just want them to let me be and to stay in the moment with me now instead of reminding me of how I don't know any more than they do about my future at this point. I just want this chapter to be done and finished and to see how all this horrible mess fits into the rest of my life, how this pain and anger will become my good if I allow God to work through it. Right now it just hurts so bad that I have a hard time allowing God to work in the pain. God heal me.