"LET ME SEE YOUR FACE
LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE;
FOR YOUR VOICE IS SWEET,
AND YOUR FACE IS LOVELY"
Song of Songs

Emily

A loss of something ever felt I-
The first that I could recollect
Bereft I was-of what I knew not
Too young that any should suspect

A Mourner walked among the children
I notwithstanding went about
As one bemoaning a Dominion
Itself the only Prince cast out-

Elder, Today, a session wiser
And fainter, too, as Wiseness is-
I find myself still softly searching
For my Delinquent Palaces-

And a Suspicion, like a Finger
Touches my Forehead now and then
That I am looking oppositely
For the site of the Kingdom of Heaven-

Emily Dickinson

what's in a name?

After years of thinking that my name meant "contented one" and wrestling with all the issues that that implies (mostly because I am NOT contented), I found out about 15 minutes ago that my name actually means "weary, or grieved". I don't believe that the meaning of your name holds power over you or that you are doomed to follow what it dictates about your life, but i do think that names are important and can say a lot about who you are. This particular instance blew my mind because I have always found weariness something that I am much more comfortable with than I am with prolonged periods of joy. Part of this is due to the fact that when I am happy, I feel less able to empathize with the sorrows of my friends and those around me. I would rather feel weary and with them than be happy and not able to fully enter into the suffering with them. So yes, weariness and grief are a huge part of what I view as beautiful in my life. Its not like I particularly enjoy suffering any more than anyone else its just that I feel most connected to people when I am experiencing sorrow with them, than when I experience joy with them. And as a result, most of my beautiful memories have some anguish wrapped up in them. So what does this mean for me? A Leah? Well, I hope to truly find hope, truth, beauty, and joy in dark places. Dark places in my own life, and dark places in other's. I hope to some day be able to see the darkness rebuked and Light to fully dwell in this weary, weary world with its miserable, grieving people. And so when I see the poems and words I have written, I see weariness, but i also see a rejection that this is how it is supposed to be. I WILL see darkness rebuked, I will see weariness and grief removed, wiped from eyes, and I will see JOY reign in our hearts and lives again. Maybe someday my name will mean something else. In revelation it speaks about a name that God has specially chosen for each of us, so secret that noone but himself knows it. Someday I will hear him call my hame and I will know without a shadow of a doubt that weariness and grief will be just the faintest bit of who I was, and no longer who I am.

broken windup toy

Windup toy

I’m a broken windup toy
That sings no more;
Any voice I had now crushed
Beneath the voices calling more and more
And more around me.
I feel sorrow and anguish
Confusion and loss,
And an apathy that shocks even me with its disparity.
I seek, I seek and every door is shut
And every gate barred;
And one by one they close with a silence so deadening
It shrieks in my songless heart.

Hosea

"Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, but he will heal us. He has injured us, but he will bind up our wounds. As surely as the sun rises he will come."

I think of all the passages of scripture this year this one has helped me get through the most. Earlier today I had a little breakdown. I think the stress of everything around finals and the chaoticness (i don't think that's even a word) of my life just got to me I guess. Anyway, I went to the prayer lounge in Moyer, which is where I go on rainy days to get some sanity and some space for reflection, and was reading over the Moyer prayer journal. I actually write in it a lot and it was interesting to see the progression from last to this year, and even more so all my thoughts this year. Halfway through my crying I came across an entry I had written last quarter when group was studying Hosea and I had written this verse down in it. I had forgotten how powerful it was and how much it rang true to me until I sat there trying to calm myself down. God is faithful and he will be there...He will come.

hmmm...

SO I guess i must have a lot on my mind or im really, really bored because i seem to be blogging three times in one day. i guess i just need to process everything right now. It's getting to that time where i need to reflect on the year and everything thats happened and start about thinking about life this summer and next fall. Actually this is probably my least favorite time of the year because it means everything that i finally adjusted to is now going to change again and this year not even the next six months are certain. I'm so worn right now with life in general that i don't actually have too many feelings about everything. I just know that i can't wait for camp when i can for at least 7 weeks put everything here behind me and focus on other people. If my days are full enough then i don't really have to think about next year at all, which isn't exactly healthy, but then again neither is thinking about it all the time...So while I was writing this my pa came into the room and gave me a letter that I wrote to myself at the beginning of the year. I had forgotten all about it, but now that i read it its strangely true of my year. Here it is:

Dear Leah,
This year seems to be a mix of seeing God work in wonderful ways and then shaking the foundations of my hopes and dreams. Everywhere I turn I'm being reminded to place my hope and confidence in God, not in my dreams, to make your plans for me my own. I don't know what this year holds for me, whether its my last at SPU, whether I make it inot nursing or get pa or whether I take a year off or am at UWT or PLU, or whether my friendships hold or I rely on you. I do know that this is a pivotal year for me. I can see that in the few weeks I've been here so far. Whatever has happened do not fear, do not give into FEAR, for God knows all. He gives what is good and will lead me beside still waters. Trust him now with this year and the decisions. He has a better plan for you than you do for yourself. I know there are tears and pain and anguish in store, but also joy and peace and contentment. Remember to never loose that deep joy, though the road gets very narrow. There will always be JOY. Own this year and bear your cross with the joy set before you. Keep persevering on!

I have no idea what to do with this right now. I wrote this in October and just about every emotion in here I've felt. This really, really sucks. and has been incredible...

The drop of a pin

The soul is a terror
and pretending we understand
its vastness, its depth, its impenetrable darkness or light-
we laugh at we know not what.
We laugh at what we cower before,
And cower before the drop of a pin.
We pass like a vapor in the wind,
but the soul carries on
bearing the weight of our iniquity,
or our joy.