name change

So here's a brief explanation of why I decided to change the name of my blog. It's been in the works for a while, but I just couldn't decide what exactly I wanted it to be called until now.

To fully describe the spiritual journey I have been on in the last twelve months would take sheets and sheets of paper, and I still don’t think I could fully explain exactly what God did in my life last year. Thinking about what my answer to this question will look like has actually made me realize that on paper nothing I say about last year will really sound that difficult. Words don’t really capture the essence of what an experience is on a personal level. And yes, maybe to most people what I’m going to say sounds ridiculous and maybe even shows a lack of experience, but it is still my life and still how God has chosen to refine me.
Last year was the “year of nursing.” Since I was a freshman in high school I have wanted to be a nurse, and last year I finally was able to apply to the nursing program at SPU. Nothing sounds more amazing to me than a lifetime of serving people at their weakest moments, when they’re most ashamed of their bodies, and being able to remind them that they are vessels of honor, made in the image of God. I knew that this is what God had called me to, and I wanted to learn how best to do this at SPU. Leading up to the month of April, which is when we receive notification about our acceptance to the program, I had been experiencing a prolonged stated of clinical depression and had felt extremely disconnected with God. I remember thinking that if I could only get into the nursing program my depression would go away, and I would be so happy that my relationship with God would have to improve.
And then the day after spring break I opened my letter and read down to the line where it said “waitlisted.” I felt as if God had given me a calling and then ripped it from my hands in a moment. I was devastated. That night I went to the prayer lounge in Moyer, laid on the ground and screamed at God. It felt so good to at least have a reason to communicate with him again, and I can remember never feeling as honest with him as I did at that moment, pounding my fists into the floor and sobbing. As I mentioned earlier this may seem like a ridiculous response to not getting into a program, but I felt so abandoned and so frustrated that God had seen fit to take the way in which I most desired to serve him, and had simply said, “no”. There was no explanation why, and there was seemingly no point to it, except to say “your future is mine.”
In the midst of this complete uncertainty God revealed himself to me in a way I have never experienced before, and for which I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to learn. He spoke to me through the words of a hymn, “thy Jesus can repay from his own fullness, all he takes away,” and he infused my spirit with a sense of peace, that God does hold my future, that he does know the desires of my heart, that he will repay from his own fullness. No, I still am not in a program, and no, I don’t know where I will be six months from now. I don’t know what “[repaying from his own fullness]” will look like, but I do know that maybe it won’t look exactly the way I want it too. Maybe it will mean a long, hard race of endurance. Maybe it will be completely different than I expected, and so much more beautiful than I could have dreamed. But whatever way in which God chooses to transform my future, I know that he will, as the Psalmist said, “lead me beside still waters,” that he will “restore my soul,” and that sometimes in tearing away what we think is most dear to us, Christ gives us something far dearer and far more beautiful than we could ever hope to possess on our own.

नेम चंगे

What words?

Here's a poem that I wrote in high school that I still find very meaningful in my own life today:

What words to sing my Saviour’s love
Can my lost state exclaim?
What praise, what adoration give
To his sweet, holy name?
For in the throes of sin and death,
He came to bear my shame
And suffer all my pain.

Why would he deign to take on flesh,
And stoop to low degree,
For men created by his hand,
Who stole from off the tree
The fruit, forbidden to consume,
And joined the Enemy,
In open blasphemy?

What mercy sweet, that though my curse
Christ pierced himself for me,
And paid the ransom for my soul
Upon that crimson tree,
That sinless I might live again,
In free captivity,
For him, eternally.

So now for me to live is Christ,
To die for me is gain.
His humble slave, I prostrate fall
In rev’rance to his name;
And though the world despise, reject,
Or offer wealth and fame,
I glory in his shame.

Be still, my soul

THY JESUS CAN REPAY FROM HIS OWN FULNESS
ALL HE TAKES AWAY.

These words have been floating around in my head for the past eight months, and I think they're as fresh today as they were then. How beautiful is my God that he gives me what I need and not what I want, that he calls us to bear our crosses after him, that we're called to love, worship, and adore even if it means screaming on our knees. This past year I've found Jesus to be so much more than I could have imagined a year ago, and I would not know that today except in God's mercy he took away a desire of my heart.
Here's another of my favorite hymns that I think is really connected to the lines above: Its by william Cowper, a man who struggled with his faith for his entire life.

Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord, who rises with healing in His wings:
When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining, to cheer it after rain.

In holy contemplation we sweetly then pursue
The theme of God’s salvation, and find it ever new.
Set free from present sorrow, we cheerfully can say,
Let the unknown tomorrow bring with it what it may.

It can bring with it nothing but He will bear us through;
Who gives the lilies clothing will clothe His people, too;
Beneath the spreading heavens, no creature but is fed;
And He Who feeds the ravens will give His children bread.

Though vine nor fig tree neither their wonted fruit should bear,
Though all the field should wither, nor flocks nor herds be there;
Yet God the same abiding, His praise shall tune my voice,
For while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice.

I CANNOT BUT REJOICE! In Jesus I have the wonderful, most difficult task of finding the joy set before me in very grim spots.