the least of these

last night tony campolo came and spoke at group. The last thing i thought i would be doing in response is blogging about it, but what can i say he had some good ideas. One of his main ideas is that as christians we are called to serve the "least of these": the people that are marginalized and rejected by others. All too often I have the tendency to pat myself on the back and say "well done, Leah" because of my experience with working with the disabled, and then a thought struck me today as I was pondering whether or not I had more to learn in this area ( and i definitely do now that I think about it ). Maybe the least of these is different for every person. For some the least of these may be a person of another ethnicity, for some the person with a different sexual orientation, for some the developmentally disabled, for some the prostitutes, for me its a wide range of people that I like to call annoying and that I think I am better than. Just to clarify I'm not arguing that these people are actually lesser, I'm just saying that they may be viewed that way in another person's eyes. So whoever you view as the least worthy person, whoever that may be, that is the people group you should serve, and that is where you will serve Christ. By denying yourself and seeing God at work in the lives of the people whom it is hardest for you to connect with is where you will truly become a servant. I guess this is one of the reasons why I hate people telling me how wonderful I am that I work with the disabled. Because it isn't about a matter of forcing myself to serve people that I don't want to or making myself like the marginalized. It wasn't a stretch for me at all. I just fell in love. If I hadn't I would have been like anyone else. In fact, I probably would have given up and found something different. This is why I have decided that there must be some other group of people that maybe society itself hasn't marginalized, but that I myself have.

oh, attitudes

Wow, i haven't read this blog in months and it feels really wierd looking back at some of my posts. If I knew in october how hard this year was going to be I don't think I would have been nearly as excited about the year as I wrote. I just don't know how to handle things right now. I feel like I've been waiting all year and nothing good has come out of it. I'm really tired of working so hard and feeling like nothing is coming of it and im tired of being here and im tired of hoping and of hurting and of having to explain when i have no idea what is going on in my mind. I just want it all to stop and have to some time alone to just enjoy life. i hate that I'm so hurt and angry and jealous and bitter and that I don't feel free and comfortable with people like i did before. I hate that I have something to be jealous about, that the thing I wanted most I didn't get and can't have and that some of my closest friends did. I'm tired of having to find ways to be gracious and happy for them and to take their sympathy when i really want to tell them that they have no *****'in idea how it actually feels because they got what they wanted. I hate the state of my heart and i don't want to change it and i hate that I don't. i don't even really know why I'm sharing this with a computer and not a friend except that im sick of crying and sick of people telling me with shocked expressions that of all people I am perfect for this. Don't you think i know that I would be good at this? I know they're trying to be encouraging and comforting but i just wish there was some other way to do it. I just wish they would hold me or let me sit with them and not ask me how im feeling, when i hear back from plu, and what i plan on doing. I just want them to know and love me for where I am at now, not for where I'll be, not for what I would have been perfect for. I just want them to let me be and to stay in the moment with me now instead of reminding me of how I don't know any more than they do about my future at this point. I just want this chapter to be done and finished and to see how all this horrible mess fits into the rest of my life, how this pain and anger will become my good if I allow God to work through it. Right now it just hurts so bad that I have a hard time allowing God to work in the pain. God heal me.